|
|
International Healing Foundation
Changing the World One Life at a Time!
|
|
|
Stories of Transformation
|
Choose a Category
Tom's Story
“Out of the forthright admission of one’s frailties and the determined commitment to go on, comes a laminated strength powerful enough to overcome those who have not made such a struggle.” –from “Fantastic,” by Lawrence Lerner
By the time, at age 32, I began to seriously address my SSA, I had been struggling with it for so long I could barely remember life without it. There are no words to adequately express how consuming and crippling it was. As I write this, I am thirty-five and continuing on my journey of recovery, moving toward the reclamation of my true masculine potential which lay dormant for so long. Although two and a half years have passed since I decided to finally confront my SSA, the start of this journey seems like it was a lifetime ago. In some ways, it was.
It all began when I was six years old. My father was at that time a raging alcoholic, my older brother (seven years older than I) was rebelling against him, and my mother was desperately trying to hold our family together. At about this time I started school, and I began to see how other kids behaved with their parents and how life appeared to be in their homes. I was and am a very sensitive person, very quick to read the surroundings and underlying mood of a situation. I recognized quickly that something was not entirely right in our home, not only with my father but with our entire family. As the years went on, it was very painful to watch my father deteriorate into his addiction, and along with him our family life deteriorated too.
When I was 10, my mother gave my father an ultimatum: “Stop drinking or I am leaving you!” He did stop, and never touched a drink again. Still, although the nights of wondering if my father would come home drunk ended, I still never felt comfortable with him. Particularly in the early years of his sobriety, it was as if our family was playing a game of make-believe; as if the turmoil caused by his drinking—or the anticipation of that turmoil—had never existed. To this day, my father has never once acknowledged that he was ever wrong. Even after nearly twenty-five years of sobriety, he cannot speak of his drinking days, and worse, he takes no responsibility for them.
As I’ve grown and come to better understand my father, I recognize that he is in many ways what Alcoholics Anonymous calls a “dry drunk,” someone who is no longer drinking but whose thinking is still distorted by the thought patterns of addiction. I also recognized very early on that I would rather die than be like him. It gives me no pleasure to say that; it is in fact profoundly sad to do so. But it is true. While my father was staying sober, my brother—with whom he never got along—was going his own way. My brother had the unique ability to infuriate our father on many occasions. Why couldn’t he just shut up and keep the peace? I made the decision somewhere around the age of 13 that I was never going to be like my brother, either.
During those turbulent years, the one thing I wanted more than anything else was to protect my mother. In my view, she’d been through enough. My father’s insensitivity to her, the stress she took on mediating between my brother and father, the pain the entire situation caused her—it was too much. I vowed that I would never hurt her. I would be the perfect son. In the process I became her sounding board, in a sense her emotional “husband.” To say I became overly attached to her is an understatement.
Meanwhile, I was discovering that my extreme sensitivity and lack of athletic ability in a hyper-masculine hometown were crippling me. I did not fit in with the other boys. I was passive, afraid to fight. I liked to dress nicely, and I was weak and overweight. I felt in some ways, really in many ways, crushed by the circumstances of my life. I wanted to be someone else. By this time I was 13, in the spring of the seventh grade, and now my SSA began.
The first boy I became attracted to was a year older than I, and he was everything I could have been “if only.” He was smart, athletic, preppy, and seemed very nice. At that point I didn’t consciously think it was weird for me to be constantly thinking about this guy. What I remember asking myself was, How can I be more like him? How can I turn into him? How can I get him to like me?
As I entered high school, I re-experienced those feelings for other boys. They were always the same—lean, preppy, baby-faced, safe. I studied how they dressed and acted, what they liked and tried to emulate them. Above all else, I worked hard to get them to like me and be my closest friends. The tension and excitement that this all-consuming quest caused me cannot be overstated. I often masturbated while thinking about them, trying to relieve the anxiety that all of those feelings caused. Yet I remained in deep denial about the nature of my feelings.
In the rare moments when I reflected on what I was doing, I recognized that it was highly unlikely that these boys, whom I so admired, felt the same way about me. But this didn’t stop me—my emotional cravings and need for belonging were too strong. Time after time, no matter what guy I pursued, obsessed over, and longed to be with, every single time I got my heart broken in some way. Nothing ever worked out the way I wanted it to. Before long I would turn my attention toward someone else, and the same thing would happen all over again.
My religious tradition was Roman Catholic, and my SSA feelings were a source of guilt and shame to me. I had “girlfriends,” but only because it was what was expected of me. I would never have admitted to anyone that my feelings for guys were stronger and more intense than what I felt for girls. It was an exercise in stamina and required tremendous acting to pretend that I was “normal.”
In the summer between seventh and eighth grades, a man I had come to trust and tried to emulate offered me a ride home from an event. I was shocked when he started asking me questions about how often I masturbated, how I did it, and whether I liked it. His questions made me extremely uncomfortable, but I wanted his attention too much to say so. Then, after a few minutes of this kind of talk, he softly said, “Show me how you do it.”
It has been twenty-one years since this incident took place and I still cannot adequately explain the fear I experienced in that moment. Why did I accommodate him? Why did I do what he asked? Because I was afraid—too afraid not to. I was afraid that if I didn’t do what he wanted, he wouldn’t like me anymore.
As I complied with his request and pulled down my pants, he took one look at me and then began to mock and laugh. I was humiliated beyond words. Even more confusing, minutes later, as he continued to drive me home, he kept talking about nothing in particular, as if the incident never had happened. In the months and years to come I saw this man frequently and he never again asked me to do such a thing. But what he did, which was perhaps even more devastating, was continue to belittle me as he had done during the incident.
I promised myself not to speak of that event to anyone—never, ever. I tried to put it out of my mind, but for the next two decades I carried it within me, feeling deep shame and confusion. As I got older, I heard about other boys who’d had absolutely horrifying experiences of sexual abuse over long periods of time. I tried to convince myself that my own experience was really nothing—a moment too insignificant to remember. But in my heart I knew that simply wasn’t true.
Meanwhile, even as I tried to pursue a normal life, my attraction to guys continued. There were still girlfriends, too, but as soon as our relationships led to intimacy, whether physical or emotional, an automatic barrier closed in around me. Finally, after “fooling myself” for a couple of years, when I was 24 I concluded it was very likely that I was gay.
Now I actively began to seek out other gays. I wanted to explore my feelings further, even though I felt almost nauseated every time I did so. Gradually my emotional attachments to men turned into physical relationships. Every time it happened, I came away more sad, confused, lonelier than ever, and sickened by my behavior. I tried to convince myself that everything was OK, but something inside me knew very well that it was not.
This pattern of playing straight while having a double life went on for the next three years, until the night I met the man who would ultimately set me on the path to self-recovery. He was the ultimate combination of all the qualities I had sought for the past fourteen years. He was impossibly good looking, preppy, baby-faced, physically unimposing—everything I had ever desired in one package. I fell not into love but into an obsession that I now shudder to think about. I clearly remember thinking, if I could win his friendship, my life would be complete. I was convinced that, with him beside me, my life of longing and loneliness would be over.
For the next year and a half, I pursued him with sick determination. And every time I went out of my way to prove myself to him, every time I sacrificed, every time I drove past by his house in the middle of the night, I knew deep inside that I was in serious trouble. To the best of my knowledge, he never knew the extent of my feelings. Or maybe he did. The point is my yearnings were never reciprocated. Worse than that, I got the feeling he didn’t really care at all.
The pain was crippling. I could never stop thinking about him, and to alleviate my obsession, I impulsively went out in the middle of the night to hook up sexually with the first guy I could find. This went on for months, until one winter night, I sat down alone in my apartment, lonelier and more isolated than I had ever been. I cried bitterly, thinking of the wreckage my life had become, thinking of all the men I had pursued, especially over the last year. I wrote down a vow that I fully intended to keep, even if I didn’t know how to do so. All I knew was that this emotional torture could not go on. This will never happen again! I promised myself. Of course my SSA desires continued despite my best intentions. For the next few years, I emotionally cut myself off, despite the fact that I occasionally slipped up and hooked up when the craving became too strong. Three years after I made my vow, and after I repeatedly broke it without really wanting to, I admitted to myself that I needed help.
But my fear of seeking help was overwhelming. What would I find out if I actually talked to someone about my life? Was I truly gay? Was there any hope for change? I continued to struggle with these questions for close to a year. At last, shattered by one more intolerable relationship, I finally did a search on the Web for some kind of an organization that could help men like me. I found the International Healing Foundation website, where I read, “No one is born with SSA.”
That was it. I had been right all along. I wasn’t supposed to be gay.
Then I read Richard Cohen’s book Coming Out Straight. I identified with so much of what he wrote and recognized in myself several of the causes of SSA that he listed. I learned that I was a classic SSA male—extremely sensitive, with an alcoholic and abusive father, a very close connection to my mother, and a history of sexual abuse. This confirmed what I had always suspected, that my SSA feelings did not happen by accident. After wrestling with my fears a little longer, I made an appointment to talk to Richard.
I thought we could figure all this out in his office, just between the two of us, until he stressed to me the importance of reaching out to other people. Tell other people? He had to be kidding. But he affirmed and reaffirmed this necessity, until I finally agreed to try. “You’d better be right about this!” I warned him.
Before long I discovered that I was blessed with a handful of men in my life with whom I could share the most intimate details of what I’d been through. These men were fantastic. I kept them and Richard captive for hours on end, talking through the heartaches, disappointments and failures I had never talked about to any one before. It was radical for me to open up like this.
Meanwhile, Richard explained that I had to spend the next year reconnecting to my inner child—the wounded little boy within me. Now at first I thought this was crazy. I did not sense any connection to any child, inner or otherwise. But I slowly realized that it was indeed my inner child who had to be healed, not the 33-year-old adult. This process was not easy, and it took a lot of time for me to connect with my inner child, because “he” had been hurt so deeply. I learned that I had to become a loving father to him—the kind of father I’d never had. Only in doing so could I overcome the lifelong pain, fear and loneliness that had led to my SSA. As I followed this healing path, slowly but surely my SSA feelings started to disappear.
Other difficult issues arose. Confronting the man who had humiliated me became necessary. Looking back, I am still surprised that I was so gung-ho, because being confrontational has never been part of my nature. When the moment finally came, seventeen months after I started my healing of SSA, I can honestly say that I have never felt God’s power more strongly than I did as I spoke to him. As empowering as that experience was, it was still only a part of the larger process of setting things right.
I wish that I could say the attempts I made in connecting with my father had gone well, too, but I learned something I had never considered: That I had the courage and insight to confront my demons, even if he could not. This process of confrontation, of setting things in order, of dealing with the pain, of listening to my inner child, of sharing with other men, and of embracing what I felt was my true nature, slowly but surely took away the underlying fear I had of “losing myself.”
At last I am getting to know the man that I was truly meant to be.
As I write this, I am in what Richard calls “Stage Four” of the healing journey. My next step is to speak about these things with my mother and heal my opposite-sex wounds. I am not sure how it will turn out, but I am not worried. I hope to establish a relationship with a woman soon, and believe that I will. The healing process takes a lot of time. You cannot rush something like coming out of SSA. But I can say with certainty that I cannot imagine returning to my past behaviors. I know that change is possible. I am living proof.
Sam's Story
I was either insane, trusting, or being driven by God to talk to Sarge. He was a three-tour Army vet, complete with a Purple Heart and other medals. I had completed one tour. We were in Virginia. I was going through school, and he was one of the instructors.
I’d gotten to know Sarge because I was being selected to stay on and attend school and become an Army instructor for parachute rigging. I could sew well, and I was a meticulous packer. I was also attracted to other men but had been keeping away from gay bars and sexual association on the advice of a therapist I had been seeing prior to being drafted into the Army. I had been an active homosexual from the age of 14 until I was drafted at 19.
I was on an airplane back to Seattle from San Francisco. I had been there because on my 17th birthday when I told my mom I was gay, she sent me, as a gift, to live with three gay men she knew in San Francisco. I had a great time there … but on the plane trip back I was seized with the question, “Why am I queer?”
I spent time reading Freud, Adler, B.F. Skinner, and others and began to understand some of the issues. This was 1967, so psychologists didn’t encourage one to experiment and accept the feelings. I met with one therapist who started working with me, and then I was drafted.
The Army was good for me. When asked if I was a homosexual, I said no. And through boot camp, Ranger school, and even in-country, I was following the advice of my therapist. I still had feelings for men from time to time, but the urges seemed under control.
And then there I was, sitting outside a packing shed with this Sergeant, and I started telling him how I felt about men. That I was attracted to them, that I had a dad who ignored me and a stepfather who terrorized me, and an uncle who locked me in a closet, and on and on. Why did I trust him? God knows. But there I was. And when I finished and was getting up to run away, he said, “Ya know something, Son? Y’all ain’t queer. You just need a real daddy.” “Yeah, right,” I said. “No, y’all needs someone to show you howse to be a man.” “I am a man,” I responded. “Well, ya sort of are. You’re part way there. … Y’all come over for dinner. This ain’t no place to talk, all right?”
So I went to dinner at his home. He and his wife said grace. I didn’t believe in any god, as my parents were atheists and so I had grown up without a divine influence, albeit a fairly moral one. My father was an objectivist … Ayn Rand’s philosophy.
After dinner he and I sat outside and we started talking. He just pretty much listened without judgment or comment. “Y’all need to come over here on Saturday and help me.” “Doing what?” I asked. “I build birdhouses for the church sales, and I need you to cut wood and paint. By the way, ya know there ain’t no queer deer, don’t ya?” “What?” “God didn’t make no queer deer. Takes two to make babies.” “OK …” “A man needs to know that he’s responsible for his family, needs to have a family in order to become more of a man. … Any of your homosexual friends grownups? You ain’t got to answer now. I just want you to think about it. … See you for dinner on Saturday. Bring your manners with you.”
And this started a routine of me coming over for Saturday dinners as well as Friday nights. Sarge used to tell me, “Y’all git them feelings for a man, you come to the house. We’ll just talk, and I’ll put you to cutting wood and painting, and we’ll have a beer.” When I asked why a Southern Baptist had beer in the house, he said, “Well, Son, I don’t hide it from the Lord. I don’t get drunk. I like a cold beer now and then, and if I know a fellah’s got a problem with his licker, then I offer him lemonade.”
Sarge taught me how to fish and how to make birdhouses. His wife taught me how to make buttermilk biscuits and how to be a man toward women. I was always invited to church socials and to services on Sunday. Sometimes I went, but I was not convinced.
Sarge helped me get my license for parachute rigging and introduced me to skydiving. He took me hunting with other vets and showed me how to whittle a bit. He never told anyone that I was struggling, but he’d ask me how I was doing with my feelings.
“Y’all gettin’ better these days. I see you lookin’ at the cute forklift driver the other day.” “Her name is Susan,” I said. “You think she’s pretty?” asked Sarge. “Beautiful red hair, green eyes, and shapely, too,” I reported. Sarge replied, “You sure you used to like boys? You startin’ to sound like a lusty fellow to me!” “I seem to be thinking that from time to time,” I said. “Well you know there’s a proper time for all that sex, don’t you?” “Yeah, yeah. Mrs. B told me it waits till marriage.” “God says so, too. And though I know you ain’t one to talk much about God, I want you to think about Him. I’d like you to know Him personally, too. I got some books for you, cuz I know you’re a thinker. …”
He’d bought some books by Francis Shaeffer and C.S. Lewis for me, and a Bible with lots of ribbons in it marking passages. These were my birthday presents from him and his wife. “You got some reading to do …” I put the books away.
I spent almost two years going to see Sarge, building birdhouses, talking, fishing, going out into the woods for one reason or another. We played catch, rough-housed, and went shooting. Basically I found a dad I could love. When I left for school, he asked about the books. I promised I’d read them. I did. It would be years later before I became a Christian. But I’d stopped having sexual attractions for other men. I knew he and his wife had prayed many a prayer over me. He used to hug me and kissed me on the cheek on the rare occasion. As far as I know, only he and his wife knew of my struggle. They did what no one had done before: loved me, listened to me, helped me as I struggled, and provided for me a stable home and a steady diet of love. I also learned that a man could do many things like cook, sew, and paint and still be a man of character with leadership qualities.
Sergeant Balderidge died about twenty years ago, and his wife followed shortly thereafter. But he had pictures of me, my wife, and my son on his piano at home. To him, I was his son.
Mine is a story of hope. Hope that one day the pain and anguish of homosexual desires would be overcome or taken from me. Deep within my heart and soul throughout my life, I have held to the belief that there had to be an understandable reason for my condition. I have never accepted the idea that I was born this way. I always knew that there had to be an answer to overcoming and being free from the emotional turmoil of same-sex attraction. All my life I have questioned my own gender and sexuality, never understanding why I was attracted to other males and why I was always identifying with and wanting to be a girl. From birth I was confused about my gender and never bonded with my father or any other male role model. As a result, I lived most of my life in a fantasy world, never feeling like I belonged to anyone or anywhere, no matter the circumstances.
While growing up, I took on the identity of my mother. I wanted to be just like her. I wanted to relate to her and bond with her emotionally, all the while unknowingly rejecting my own male identity. As I entered the world of public schools and interaction with others outside my family, I was told over and over again that I was different, a femme, a girl, and eventually a faggot. Each time I heard these cutting words I internalized feelings of being unacceptable and not welcome in the world of boys, that I didn’t belong. As a result, I withdrew into a world of fantasy and loneliness, a world where celebrities were my only friends, though my relationship with them was just through magazines. It was a world filled with sexual fantasy about the very thing I feared most, men. I withdrew from all males around me out of a need for self-preservation and instead looked for comfort in the world of women.
During my teen years the abuse and ridicule from my peers was unbearable. I suffered both verbal and physical abuse for several years in junior high and high school, almost on a daily basis. At the same time, my homosexual desires took hold and eventually grew into a strong and powerful force, shaping the very person I thought I was. I began acting upon my fantasies and sexual urges at the age of 14. By the time I reached 21, I had taken on a new identity as a gay man, living the lifestyle with a lover I thought I would be with forever and finally feeling that I had found myself.
During the moments when I was having sexual relations with my partner I felt complete, at ease, and free from the emotional pain that had been my constant companion. Unfortunately, that feeling lasted only a few hours after the encounter and I was left with an even deeper pain and increased drive for the next sexual experience. During the periods when I didn’t have a lover, the pain was unbearable. I began contemplating suicide on occasion, feeling that perhaps it was the only path to relief from my emotional turmoil. The wonderful, liberating lifestyle that I had once known was now for me unfulfilling, shallow, empty, and even lonelier.
After several years of struggling emotionally, trying to determine if I wanted to continue living a gay lifestyle, I had an amazing spiritual experience and determined that I could commit to a heterosexual lifestyle. At the age of 26, I married a most remarkable woman, and in time we had three wonderful children together. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I tried to put it all out of my mind, the homosexual fantasies raged and I found myself emotionally involved with men I associated with at work and at church. For years I had tried to pray my condition away, and had maintained the position that if I clung to my faith and my marriage, then in time God would reward my commitment with relief.
The time came when I met a fellow employee, David, whom I found extremely attractive physically and emotionally. As he befriended me, I fell head over heels in love with him. Over the course of four years our friendship grew deeper and deeper emotionally. We were put in situations where we worked long hours together, traveled on business trips together frequently, and spent untold hours getting to know each other. I found myself emotionally out of control, even in a daze, from having a male like David in my life. I found myself craving his attention and companionship all the time. When I wasn’t with him I was in emotional agony, and my sexual fantasies about him raged out of control. Finally I had to share with him my reality of struggling with homosexual desires. And I confessed that I was attracted to him not only as a friend but also romantically.
I expected him to reject me; but to my surprise, this confession only drew us closer. He showed me great compassion and expressed that it didn’t matter to him, that he loved me and wanted me to know that he was there for me, to help me in any way he could.
After 16 years of marriage and struggling to overcome SSA through prayer and Scripture study, I came across Coming Out Straight, by Richard Cohen. This wonderful book came as an answer to prayer during a particularly dark period in my struggle to cope with my desire for David. I had tried everything up to that point in my life to overcome my struggle. I had tried therapy and was left disillusioned, disheartened, and dejected. I was completely on my own. I turned to my religion for answers, and served in prominent positions in my church, all the while struggling to keep my secret hidden. I held to the hope that one day God would take these desires from me if I did my part.
When I first acquired the book, I read it several times, knowing instantly that its claims were both true and possible. It seemed that every word resonated with my experience. I considered finding a therapist to aid in the process but had little hope that a capable one even existed, given my prior experiences. Upon further reflection, I determined that my only hope was to be my own therapist. When I read in Coming Out Straight that a sexually attractive male offers the best hope for healing, I asked my friend David if he would be willing to be my mentor, which he readily accepted. At the time, neither of us could have comprehended the full scope of what a mentor’s role was in the process of healing. However, I now understand that having a mentor who has been willing to participate 100% at every level of my healing is the No. 1 reason I have been able to find peace and liberation from the conflict.
I tried the best I could to do everything Richard outlined in the book, and over the course of a two-year period made dramatic progress. David and I learned together all the circumstances that can lead to a same-sex attachment disorder (SSAD). We also learned together how the pain and suffering of years of repressed abuse can finally be released and replaced with positive energy and the love of God. As my mentor, David was everything I could ever ask for: kind, loving, gentle, tall, dark, handsome, and incredibly sexually attractive to me. He was everything I had ever dreamed of in the perfect male. And to think that he was the one who was willing to help me through my journey was amazing!
With the book as a guide, I began to understand the challenge that was before me. I established as best I could a support network of other people in my life to help me. David was my mentor, one of my brothers knew about my SSA, and other men at church who didn’t know about my struggle became my support network. Over the course of time, I asked David to participate with me in holding sessions. This allowed me to release years of pain and suffering and openly weep as he held me like a baby. Each session like this was preceded by instructions from the book as to the purpose and objective of the session. Each time I experienced David’s non-erotic male love, I felt more whole. It was the first time in my life that I had ever felt genuine love from a male. It was the first time I had ever let myself feel loved. It was wonderful and amazing to me that a male was willing and able to share his love with me in this way.
In the beginning, our holding sessions consisted of me sharing about my progress and learning to date, where I was in the journey, and expressing the feelings of pain and sorrow that I had never expressed before. We both read from the book as we learned together how the process works. He would then hold me like a baby and let me feel his love. The result of my first holding session was incredible, and it gave me hope that healing was indeed possible. Over the course of the next two years, I began to unravel the painful years of abuse and rejection that I had both experienced from others and heaped upon myself. All the years of distorted and illogical thinking began to be exposed. Each layer of distorted thinking and belief was identified and released, and true healing was felt for the first time in my life. Each time a new layer was exposed, I would process through the cause and then ask David to help me release the pain. The session would conclude with him holding me closely and telling me how much he loved me, as a father would while holding his infant son.
Eventually I arrived at a point where I felt stuck in a rut. I was no longer making the progress in leaps and bounds as I had in the beginning. Finally, in desperation I reached out to Richard for counseling and direction. Richard was wonderful! He helped me see where I was in the process. He was so encouraging, saying he was amazed at the progress I had made on my own. After an initial assessment, he immediately prescribed a path for me to follow. This involved learning about my inner child, planting seeds of self-acceptance of myself as a male, and continuing my holding sessions with David to uncover more wounds that were still waiting to be identified, exposed, and released.
He advised me to step up my holding sessions with David and helped me understand how to maximize each experience for greater healing. Up to this point I had only participated in five or six holding sessions. Richard recommended doing holding once a week or so, which I tried to follow as much as my schedule would permit. He also taught me in greater depth what was happening on a psychological level during the holding sessions. Since David represented the perfect male to me, seeing him so up close and personal and being held by him brought to the surface all my own feelings of rejection and worthlessness and deep wounds that eventually formed the core beliefs I held about myself. My challenge was to amplify these negative feelings in David’s presence and release them rather than suppress them. This I did and learned how marvelous the outcome was.
As I learned more from Richard, I began to set more specific objectives for each session. Each session began with prayer, a short discussion on my progress since the last session, and the hoped-for outcome. At first I was extremely uncomfortable, but David’s sensitive nature made it easier for me. During the first session, I felt a major relief after working through issues of abandonment and rejection by my father. The next session dealt with all the abuse I suffered at the hands of my peers during my school years. Each time I felt a little more at peace.
Eventually, I began to recognize deeper and deeper wounds and the beliefs that were instilled in me as a result: my fear of men, my belief that I was a gay male, and my belief that I was really a woman, all came to the surface over time. All these issues were uncovered bit by bit as I participated in these sessions with David.
Learning to communicate my true inner feelings to my mentor, including all those that had been repressed over the years no matter the nature, and still being accepted by him proved to my unconscious that a man loved me. The deep longing for male affection was finally being met and satisfied. These experiences truly formed the foundation of my own belief that I, too, was a male and had finally found acceptance in the world of men.
I continued to have these kinds of holding sessions with David, and they served to break down the emotional barriers held deep within my unconscious mind … barriers that had been stumbling blocks throughout my life. I now understand that these barriers were the false beliefs that I had held about myself. Once I was able to identify each false concept, I was able to release the repressed pain in David’s presence.
It has now been four years since I had my first holding session with David. In that time there have been many ups and downs along the way, but as I have learned more about the root causes of my same-sex attraction and confronted each one under Richard’s guidance, I have found a most wonderful peace, unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life. Healing is real. Healing is lasting. And above all, healing is possible for anyone who is determined to find the truth.
I acknowledge the presence of God throughout my entire journey and give thanks unto Him for guiding me through this process with the help of many of His servants. I often wondered why a person such as David would be willing to participate in an experience like this with me. One day I found out. I learned that in the beginning, David also had questions as to whether or not he should help me. He prayed to God for guidance and received the distinct impression that he should help, and that all would work out to the benefit of both.
I am now in a stage where true acceptance of my male identity is firmly taking root. I have never been so comfortable in my own skin or confident in my life, especially in the presence of other men. I am beginning to forgive myself for all the lies I told myself and for believing all the lies others have told me. For the first time in my life I feel like a man. And nothing has been more satisfying to me emotionally than to realize that I have been one all along. I just didn’t know it. My entire experience has been a confirming witness to me that God loves each of us and seeks to bless our lives if we truly seek Him.
I want to thank you for all the help you've given me up to this point. I can see my relationship with my daughter moving in a very positive direction, and a change in her; her anger is gone. It was also very nice to hear the other parent’s situations, a lot of the information was helpful for my situation. JM
Thank you very much for your wonderful coaching! We cannot wait for the classes to resume. The positive impact of Parents Level I on our family and our son is huge. We know where we are going, what the problem is and we have gained strength from every class. For the last two months the relationship between me and my son has improved 200%. Every week I see something new and promising in his self-perception. Yesterday, my son said, "I may change; I have heard that by 25 people can change.” I thank God we found IHF. Intuitively I knew there must be a way to help our son and there is! JZ
My husband and I took both of the teleconferencing classes for parents. When our son told us that he “was attracted to boys and not girls,” we felt many different emotions, and the dominant feeling was one of helplessness. Through the teleconferencing classes we learned how we could help our son. The most significant learning we gained was the understanding that SSA is not about one person it’s about the family system and a whole constellation of factors that contribute to its development. We began to see that our familial patterns were not as healthy as we thought they were or could be and we learned, step by step, how to pursue healing in our family. This affected a tremendous change in our son. Today he is well on his way of healing from his SSA, thanks to IHF. WF
We are benefiting a great deal from these sessions with you as we try to discern God's will for us, how we can improve our relationship with our son, and how I, in particular, can best help him. Thank you for all your teaching, comments and encouragement. JG
This seminar exceeded all my expectations. I came for SSA issues. I have had little to no therapy and did not know what to expect. Caleb and Hilde were outstanding in both their ability to decipher and help in soul matters. The actual seminar greatly helped me understand myself better through other sharing, as well as my own. Even though each individual had a different circumstance or issue, we were all interconnected in some way. Bravo!
My birthday was on the first of December and I came here claiming this weekend as my birthday gift to me from me to me and what a birthday gift it has been. I came here with specific issues, deep rooted issues that I have been dealing with for years. The flow of the sessions and the personal exercises allowed me to visualize and experience my past and it fostered an environment of role playing that granted me the opportunity to get my release. What an awesome experience to feel healthy and whole, to breathe and to feel the weight of the past be lifted off my heart, mind and soul. I am grateful to have had the opportunity to be here. NB
Excellent weekend. I’m confident that this weekend will help us with our family’s communication and my prayer is that it will help my daughter with her SSA. Thanks for being real, not hiding back about the truth. FM
When my parents told me that we were coming to the conference this weekend, I was NOT happy. And even as we were traveling to come here, I was skeptical. However, I have enjoyed my weekend. This was a good experience and I’m glad I came, and even happier that I was able to have an open mind and give this experience a chance to touch my heart. JM
The weekend helped me further along my healing journey and I am grateful for the opportunity and interactions.
Wonderful seminar! This was truly healing for the entire family.
We loved this. Thank you so much for helping us to see how to explore these issues.
This couple of days has been something I have never experienced before. It was extraordinary and I believe life changing for me and my family. I learned skills and tools that I will institute in my daily life and will encourage my family to do the same.
This seminar was amazing. I never thought I would break through my pain and other issues. I have so much more clarity and peace concerning my healing. I go out into the world a witness to God’s love and the healing power of this seminar. MN
I arrived looking for some growth in the relationship with my son. Not only did that happen, but I learned things about myself which I had forgotten or blocked out. I believe I have now the frame work to continue to grow.
I have to compliment the three staff members orchestrating a very fulfilling weekend, I learned an awful lot about my son (and myself) and our relationship that I didn't know and would not have learned without your help. Thank You for the eye-opening experience this weekend. I also have a plan for the next steps to take.
Counselor Training Program
The Counselor Training Program, developed by Sexual Reorientation Specialist Richard Cohen, presents a clear understanding about the causes and healing of unwanted same-sex attraction (SSA). The Program provides practical therapeutic strategies, drawn upon the accumulated wisdom of innumerable therapists, which effectively work in conjunction with Cohen's comprehensive treatment plan for healing. The practitioner will be exposed to a variety of psychodynamic modalities both for greater healing of the struggler and his or her family system.
Arthur Goldberg, Co-Director, JONAH
Author, Light in the Closet: Torah, Homosexuality and the Power to Change
The Counselor Training Program was delivered in an event co-sponsored with ABEO, JONAH and IHF in Northern Ireland. People attended from all over the world (UK, Ireland, Israel, Egypt, Estonia, Germany, Lichtenstein), and the outcome of the training was an amazing equipping for these professionals to work in an evidence-based way with people seeking to change their sexual orientation. It was one of the best training events I have ever attended: clear, evidence-based, stimulating and pragmatic.
Paul W. Miller M.D., BCh, BAO, DMH (Belfast), MRC Psych
Consultant Psychiatrist
Managing Director, ABEO
Richard Cohen's Counselor Training Program really speaks to me. In fact, I believe his new, lucid approach to understanding SSA will be considered nothing less than groundbreaking. Addressing therapists, Mr. Cohen definitely broadens our vision, explaining a very clear route to follow in helping individuals heal complex inner wounds and thus live happier, more fulfilled lives. I therefore thoroughly recommend this course.
Mtra. Elena Barrero
Dean of Psychology Department
Universidad Anahuac Mexico Sur
Richard Cohen, with his keen sensitivity and ability to empower and transform lives, is just phenomenal. Being a part of the training, responding to, and helping persons with same-sex attractions has revolutionized and empowered my ministry tremendously. I now have a relentless passion to minister in a broader context in an effort to reach all. The content of this training was consistent with the Word, a courageous Work, and challenged my Will.
Pastor Anthony Moore
Carolina Church
The Counselor Training Program was a tremendous help to me. It was a refreshing approach to learning the many facets of healing SSA. Cohen's hands-on approach and interpersonal training skills made for a relaxed, non-threatening learning environment. The opportunities acquired in the program were priceless. I recommend this to anyone at any level—seasoned therapist, new counselor, counseling student, pastor, mentor, or coach.
James E. Phelan, LCSW
No one today has more practical, real-life experience helping individuals overcome unwanted same-sex attraction than Richard Cohen. I have applied techniques and ideas that I’ve learned from Richard with great success as I’ve worked with life-coaching clients and groups. His instruction and mentoring have been invaluable.
Rich Wyler
Founder and Director, People Can Change
It was my distinct honor and privilege to have attended ten of Richard's classes on SSA. Not only did the classes enlighten me on the many emotional and mental issues surrounding that lifestyle, but it provoked a greater understanding for those who desire to be set free. I highly recommend Richard’s classes and teaching materials to anyone who ministers to persons with SSA or any other type of emotional wounds. I not only found the course to be beneficial for understanding SSA, but much of the material can be used in other areas of ministry. I thank God for Richard’s courage to continue to reach out to those who are in need. And I thank God for the many who have been healed, and who will be healed as a result of his ministry.
Rev. Dr. Paulette L. Scott
Christ CornerStone Healing Ministries
I am so blessed to have participated in the first course for certification as a Sexual Reorientation Coach with the International Healing Foundation. I feel it has thoroughly prepared me to deal with clients in this sensitive area. Comprehensive in scope, sensitive in approach, and detailed in methodology this course will untangle the nuances of counseling the struggler with unwanted SSA. As more therapists become familiar with this course, many SSA strugglers who have been disappointed with traditional therapeutic approaches will obtain the help they need to progress in the difficult journey towards personal wholeness and heterosexuality.
Keith Vennum, M.D., CSRC
I highly recommend the Counselor Training Program to all parish pastors. It will help and instruct any pastor so that they can be sensitive to those who choose to change as well as those who choose to live the lifestyle.
Wenda Fry, Pastor of Worship and Spiritual Life
Thank You. It would have taken me a lifetime to come to this wisdom. I would attend this seminar again and encourage others to attend as well. It helped me to understand the causes of SSA. It gave me valuable training to minister to those struggling with SSA. It allowed me to get in touch with my own wounding and to learn steps for healing. I want to bring this program to my church.
Pastor Robin Wright
Mt. Holy Church
Oh Captain my Captain, I have learned personally and professionally from this course that no one is born gay, same-sex attraction is not immutable, and that change is possible. In the beautiful, loving and vulnerable man who taught me this, I have seen and been given great, amazing, and grace-filled hope. I never saw the value in myself and now I have glimpsed a vision for how everything (good and bad) in my life has been a preparation for this time and mission. I have learned that for God, those sons and daughters He loves deeply, He takes on weaknesses and uses them to give His glory. For His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I have learned that my SSA is the most precious gift that my Father God has given me and that He has called me to stand up and be a rallying point of hope for all who struggle. I am not my wound but through it God is and will do amazing things. My heart is already overflowing with joy and peace…and this is only the beginning of the story. Let’s pray together brother and know that this is an eternal friendship. Peace that passes all understanding in your journey. PM
Personally, I feel gratitude for the bigger picture I’ve gained. I was looking for a push and hope and I definitely got them. Bless you Richard. SL
This week has provided me with the opportunity for a huge amount of personal insight and growth, in terms of reconnecting with inner hurts and healing. I believe that the course will make me a better husband, a better father, a better relative to my greater family. The companionship with others at this course has been a great inspiration sense of warmth and a sign that when you strip off the labels of SSA and OSA, you see beneath a great, common hurt. PM
I feel like I have been able to see something which was, I thought, about helping people with SSA, but I realize it was about helping people. The training was packed, layer upon layer of pure gold. The procedures, skills, protocol, research, etc, were clear, well presented and taught with an energy that was infectious. As a child psychologist, I have worked with young children in my professional life. A lot of this will help set things in place regarding early needs which I hope will prevent wounding. I look forward to the challenges and the joy of helping more people with SSA to give hope and offer light in the dark place. LC
I have found a place and a way of living for which I have searched all my 61 years a reality with boundaries, accountability, sanity, clarity, compassion, and acceptance. I know that if God is God, it had to be somewhere presented was a system to reach and help others with a redemptive purpose, a system with academic and professional integrity, and commitment not to be satisfied with anything less than complete transformation. This is a system that works in real practice, that is selfless, does not use people to further itself, that holds fast to that which is good, and therefore unfazed by the depths of opposition, that uses the therapeutic nature of God given humility and humor to the full extent, and that successfully uses the real essential and obedient fear of God to annihilate the fear of man (Isaiah 11:2-3). God bless you Richard. This is holy ground. MK
This event gave me affirmation of my manhood, more so than before; including affirmation from a wider range of men. It was fruitful having brought others from the middle-east, helping to further equip them. I received more praise, affirmation, and communion of manhood than before. Richard, you are a man because you speak the truth boldly, almost defiantly, without compromising your love, use foul language out of a pure heart. You are sanctified in your maverickness, imperfectly superb, crafted, groomed, and reared by God for His purpose that you know “damn right” is yours! Thank you. SL
This has been an amazing, intensive and very well structured and directed week. It has affirmed me on my journey from SSA. AC
I have a new heart for those who suffer from SSA. I need to work more with my congregation about awareness of SSA and not gay affirmation. I need to write something in Arabic about SSA. I feel great passion to find families who can give much needed love to SSA strugglers. I will speak out loud in every gathering with youth and family about SSA. Fr MA
This week gave me the space to find my body and soul once again. I found, as I leave, that I am holding myself, enjoying the warmth and peace. The most important thing I have learned is to move away from such a top-brain, cerebral existence so that I can see the shadows. I am grateful for the fractures, letting in the light, which is flooding my soul. The sun is shining. I love my SSA. It is opening up my connection to myself, to others and to God. My identity is more apparent, and I am not the shadows. I am an educational development and trainer by profession. I think the model you presented is transformative and thorough, very “organic” and totally accessible. Thank you for your faithfulness, your patience and your grace. I love you. MD
This training provided me with a more systematic and organized means of evaluation and assessment of same-- sex issues. It has given me more tools to effectively coach men through this journey. This training allows coaches and clients to understand the that SSA recovery is behavioral, cognitive, and emotional in nature. JH
I went to learn and gain deeper insight into the causes and treatment of SSA. I got that and much more. Your willingness to share your spirit and challenge mine, made it easy for me to go deeper into understanding my own wounds. The experience of staffing an LSI confirmed that you not only taught me but empowered me to pass your gift on to others. The men in my groups benefited from what I learned from the very beginning. JS
Richard Cohen, with his keen sensitivity and ability to empower and transform lives, is just phenomenal. Being a part of the training, responding to, and helping persons with same sex attractions has revolutionized and empowered my ministry tremendously. I now have a relentless passion to minister in a broader context in an effort to reach all. The content of this training, was consistent with the Word, a courageous Work, and challenged my Will. AM
I was certainly enlightened, well informed, and benefited from my 5 sessions under the teaching of Richard Cohen. Not only were the presentations educationally rewarding, but the candor in which Cohen instructed made it easy for us to disseminate and grasp the concepts. I left with a greater appreciation for the plight of those with SSA. I look forward to the next session. BO
This training has made me realize that we as church leaders have not adequately embraced those who are struggling with SSA. Do we feel like change is possible? Yes. Have we consciously considered our actions? No. We now have a responsibility to do a better job of creating an atmosphere for change. JS
What a great scene! Approximately 30 pastors gathered together on their day off, to spend 5 eight hour days, learning how to help the SSA struggler, their families and churches. However, by the end of the training they found themselves in need of healing, seeking healing and anxious to carry their healing message to others. Now that’s transformation! RC
Taking the SSA class for me was one of the most enlightening experiences I have had in my 50 years on this Earth. Richards’ grasp of the pain, the struggle and the inner turmoil experienced by SSA strugglers was to a word right on! Richard validated the struggle and codified so many things that had puzzled me for so many years. Hearing is often convincing but seeing is believing. His willingness to share his own testimony along with the obvious devotion of his wife only serve to underscore the validity that one can come out of this lifestyle. I pray God will be able to use me, now armed with the knowledge that I have gained from this class to help others come out of their addictions, whatever they are. PN
I hesitate to write because I know you are so busy, but my heart is so full I must. Thank you for giving of yourselves to make my life more complete. Thank you for pioneering the work the world needs and thank you for loving me. Because of God, and your desire to fulfill His will, my son will be freed to live the life God designed for him. I know it is true because God does not lie. WM
This training has been a blessing and has raised my awareness, understanding, and sensitivity to SSA. There is a difference between a same sex struggler and a sinner. I now have the tools and resources to know the difference and how to minister appropriately to both. BC
I went to learn and gain deeper insight into the causes and treatment of SSA. I got that and much more. Your willingness to share your spirit and challenge mine made it easy for me to go deeper into understanding my own wounds. The experience of staffing an LSI confirmed that you not only taught me but empowered me to pass your gift on to others. The men in my groups benefited from what I learned from the very beginning. JS
I am currently a therapist working on a doctoral degree in psychology. The Counselor Training Program provided me with excellent tools that I am now looking forward to incorporating into my practice. Richard Cohen is a knowledgeable, compassionate man who has courageously advocated for strugglers of unwanted SSA and their families for many years. I have learned much from his fearless approach to sharing his views with the general public. He has been an inspiration to me and friends and colleagues of mine.
The Counselor Training Program has also helped me expand my network of colleagues and friends. Without this program, I would not have a systematic method for helping strugglers of unwanted same-sex attractions and their families. I would recommend this program to anyone in a helping capacity, such as therapists, members of clergy, coaches, and others who help or care for this population. SM
The counselor training with Richard Cohen provided me with a more systematic and organized means of evaluation and assessment of same sex issues. It has given me more tools to effectively coach men through this journey. This training allows coaches and clients to understand that SSA recovery is behavioral, cognitive, emotional in nature. JH
I’m finding it hard to choose the right words to thank you for all you did this week for me. Thank you very much! I mean it from the bottom of my heart. As a believer in God, and as a Catholic, I have to say that you made me fall in love again and grow deeper in my faith. You made me want to give my life to God the same way you have done it! Thank you for being a living testimony of generous love. As a young woman and student, I share with you this burning thirst for truth. And I have been very reassured by you to follow God’s call to share the truth I have found with my brothers and sisters. Just like you have just reminded me this week: the truth will set us free! Finally, I want to say thank you again for helping me understand that love is all humanity needs to be healed all they need to be happy! Thank you for teaching this to me, not only with your words, but especially with your life. EL
This week I have learned more than in my four and a half years in college. I’m glad to be here. I’m 23, and I’m a teacher at a university. I’m amazed at all the things you shared with me. I came to the seminar looking for tools and knowledge, and I found both. With all my heart I can tell you that I’ve never seen someone that loves God as much as you. I’ve met someone who’s given me the strength to do my work as a teacher and as a psychologist. Thank you. LG
This seminar has opened a door to a whole new understanding of SSA. Before coming to this training I was very skeptic towards the information and technique, because of my own prejudice and lack of information; I’m a psychologist trained in Gestalt therapy and postmodern psychotherapy. I now feel responsible to bring this type of therapy to those who are searching for it. This training has reminded me of a few basic techniques for intervention, and added quite a lot of resources to interacting with SSA clients, colleagues, and friends. I couldn’t be happier about my time investment this week! It made me question very personal aspects of my past and present life. It will take some time to finish assimilating the highlights; I’m very motivated to become certified. Thank you Richard for your life experience! Thank you for your testimony; you are a survivor and an example of “never giving up.” A
I have to confess that I was a little skeptic about coming to this seminar; first because I thought that some people are born with SSA, and second because attending the seminar was a huge commitment and responsibility. Beside the knowledge and I must say it was like if someone turned on the light, I fell in love again with my profession. I remember why I chose to be a psychologist and help people. I gained back the urge to study and learn and prepare more myself as a person and as a professional. I really like the eclectic approach because I think there’s not one way to help people and we have to be creative and inclusive, not exclusive. I also got in touch with my own feelings and hurts. Thank you so much for sharing with us, thank you for giving everyone hope; for being a real person and for showing us it’s ok to grieve. CV
It was a week full of new information, new methods and in my case, a new me. You freed me from ignorance. I thank you for what you did for me. MC
I must be honest with you that I came being a skeptic about the theme of homosexuality, but since the first day, I realized this is God’s message being spread around the world. I could never receive all of this knowledge without the course because I was brainwashed by the media. I feel very grateful to God who gave me the present of this course (with a scholarship) and I want to thank you for getting up everyday and teaching around the world. We need it! You’re the kind of person we need: men and women whose desire is to become better everyday, no matter what happens. God bless you, with all my love. MZ
These five days I’ve spent with you made me think about the wonderful, marvelous, amazing work people like you and us can do for others who need it. That you have experienced this and are teaching it, makes it 500% more trustable, and impressing. Although I am only 20 years old, I realize the enormous meaning of this kind of teaching. I want to know more about this, so I can teach and help my brothers and sisters who are living through this suffering. I deeply thank you for everything and wish you and your family the best. KN
This week has been an amazing opportunity for me to learn new things, and affirm others knowledge. But the most important thing was getting in touch with myself, and that I need to take care of myself if I want to help others. I also think that the Cohen family is a great example of hope, and they show that love is the most important part of life. Thank you so much for sharing this week with me. AI
First of all, this week I came to know a story of profound courage, the human quality I admire most. I learned there are options for homosexuals. I learned there are techniques that have to be adapted to my culture. My task now is to re-think all the material you taught to make it useful to our society. Jae Sook also was a great teacher. I think that her support for you is a testimony of love… as big as is possible! She makes me think of the huge gap between theory and practice. Her love for you is a testimony of love as a verb. This is life. It is always so exciting to see the triumph of life. GE
This course has been a blessing for me. It taught me much, and I know that after this wonderful week my life is going to change in a big way. This knowledge is going to help me help others, since this is my job, my commitment, my mission. I have received so much from God and I know one day He will give me the opportunity to show others what He’s done for me and to bless them through my words, passion, love and experience. Now I know all this pain and suffering has a purpose in my life. A
I write to you because I want to thank for being a light on my path, thank you for allowing yourself to be the transmitter of the truth, the truth that Jesus Christ taught us to say, no matter where you come from or what you have experienced, thank you for allowing me to see in you a soul consecrated to love. I see reflected in you many virtues that I am fighting to acquire, especially this knowledge and wisdom that you allow to come from God. You are an example in my life, a great man that helped me to believe that I can continue to become a better woman every day. You helped me to believe in the good fight, and in living for others on a daily basis. Thanks for conveying God with your eyes, your hands, your words. I noticed your fatigue because of all you have lived, and I want to tell you that this fatigue is worthwhile because through it you carry your message to all. Our struggles and sacrifices are all worth it when we surrender them to God. And I admire that even as tired as you were, you kept standing here in front of an audience, and that you kept fighting to convey the love of God. With much love and appreciation to you and your great wife. Do not stop fighting even if there are people against you, we must continue to fight against the tide. GS
I’ve learned so many things about you and your wife Jae Sook. I feel like I could fill a hundred pages; but this time I would like to say thank you for best thing or gift you have given us: your testimony of God’s love. You are a man of God. Thank you for your “Yes!,” your generosity, your faith, and your love of life and human beings. Your presence and joy bring light to the world. The second gift you gave us was your professionalism, wisdom and commitment to psychology and health. We will walk the same line. Count on my effort and commitment. IM
My brother struggles with SSA, and I felt very responsible and guilty. My therapist told me that it was not possible for him to change, and this was so difficult to handle. But now I look with hope and faith and I confirm that change is possible. I will do all that is necessary to help my family, and now I know how to best raise my own family. I’m not a therapist but I’m a sister and friend, and I know my role is to give support and give hope and never give up. GG
This five-day seminar with you has been enlightening. Learning about SSA from somebody who has lived it is like receiving a treasure. Understanding all the things that somebody with SSA has lived and gone through, makes me see them with different eyes and see that all they need is the right kind of love. The three principles you taught us: Nobody chooses to have SSA; Nobody is born with SSA; and It’s possible to change, will help me to understand others and help them to see that God offers us opportunity. PD
|
|
|
International Healing Foundation
P.O. Box 901, Bowie, MD 20718
Tel. (301) 805-6111
Fax (301) 805-5155
Email: IHFinfo@changeispossible.com
|
|
